My separation journey(Going within)

Wow where to start, how did I get here? After being in a relationship of 15 years what makes a person quit, give up, or want to move on? Well from my standpoint I need emotional support and I felt like I was giving more than receiving. I can only talk for me here on this blog this is my story my thought process which some question all the time, lol. I truly have no clue where to start my mind is all over the place. I just see issues right now with moving to another state with 4 out of 5 children & an 105lb dog that hates rides in a Chevy Cruze lol yeah I see that happening well. To having no place to lay our heads when we get there because there are obstacles with income verification because my small business that just started to pickup in revenue in 2021. Feeling the pressure yet? Yeah I’m here & I keep telling myself Faith of a mustard seed is all I need to get me through this. I also hear everything lies within & want to scream “HOW DO I GET IT OUT” lol. Everyone is saying go within and I’m looking at them bewilder like do y’all not know who I am I’m always within so I thought but let’s be serious as I help so many I haven’t taken time for myself to actually go within because if I’m not on TikTok live I’m on the phone or Zoom with someone, taking care of kids, taking online classes or in my head about everything in my realm. so to be honest with you and myself no I have not gone within. I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to hear or see anything for myself but I can for others makes plenty of sense right? I laugh constantly at myself being able to give clear direction for someone else’s dreams or goals but not my own. Great gift if you ask me, lol I see & hear signs all day but rarely take them as for me. So I come to blog about it and see where this path may take me and you since your here reading it.

I was able to pack up a little more & make a couple of phone calls today my house is a long way from being ready to move and the Pod is supposed to leave Saturday morning, lol. I can’t even breath I’m giggling so much right now, my brain is in go mode but my body is in Idontwanna mode & my brain complies. It’s actually 2:15AM where I should be sleeping so I can function to do what’s necessary but yet I’m in bed blogging about it instead of being about it. How I feel basically about everything right now as I miss my other half of my being. No I don’t tell him I miss him oh how weak I’m feeling just wanting to be held and told it will be alright. A feeling of hurt, anger, loneliness, even abandoned is a word I will use here and it’s my own doing. I gave up and am walking away so why do I feel like I’m missing something here. Loving yourself is being selfish in order to be selfless. Now I had to really dig deep for this one but being able to give up the thing you really love for it to be better is where I’m at right now. How many can understand that premise because it’s through in me for a loop right now & I feel like I spinning out of control and I hear the small voice talk to me I’m here for you. So that is my que to put my phone down & go within.